A Bad Assumption

I’m learning a hard lesson right now.  We have started looking for a home and because so many friends have used this one realtor, naturally he must be really great at his job, right?  Or do these people just think he must be trustworthy because he’s Mormon? 

A friend of mine now regrets referring me to this realtor and lender because of the way they pressured my husband and I this weekend.  She never had issues because she and her husband have a pretty high income, so the search isn’t as difficult and if they’re a little picky, these guys know it’s going to pay off big in the end.

As for my husband and I, we don’t make that much money and we are going to have to search harder for the right place and right price.  Perhaps it won’t be worth a long, hard search to him.

So after he showed us exactly one house on Saturday night, after he was an hour late, he proceeded to ignore our concerns about the house and anything we didn’t like about it, trying to convince us it was the only house we would see for that price in that area, and that we could afford the payment that came out to be $200 higher than our lender lead us to believe. 

I looked around at the off white and yellow appliances, considered our modest savings account, and knew it would only take a couple of incidents to cause us to turn to our credit card again.  That dishwasher would be toast if it wasn’t already.  How long until my van breaks down?  How long until my husband’s truck needs new tires?  Those cost over $1,000.  The windows were obviously in need of being replaced too, but our realtor told us the price was firm.  The house wasn’t worth it with all of the problems that came with it.  His solution wasn’t to ask them to come down in price.  He asked us, “Where can you cut your spending?”  I don’t know how we could cut it more. 

We wanted to see a short sale about two minutes away and he blew it off.  We had come all that way and waited for him for an hour.  Couldn’t he have humored us?  I told him before we made any offers, we needed to hear back from the lender and needed an explanation as to how he arrived at the estimated payment.  He never did answer the question, but he did send us some charts and graphs to show us why it makes sense to buy over renting.  That’s not what we asked for.  To add insult to injury, he brought my mom into it.  “If your mom got sick, think of how much money you would save on gas if you lived close to her.”

Before we even entered the house, the realtor asked if we had been praying about it.  Prayer is good, but I found the question inappropriate and not professional.  In my profession, I don’t ask people to pray about whether I’m the right choice.  I tell them my price and policies and let them decide however they choose to. 

I was even more shocked to hear that a mutal friend used this realtor and they had to go around him to negotiate the price because he wouldn’t do it.  They contacted the seller themselves and got $20,000 knocked off.  How ridiculous that he even got paid for that transaction.

So now we’re trying to figure out how to let him down gently without causing any controversy among our mutual friends who think he’s great at what he does.  Maybe he is best as a listing agent where the focus is on getting as high a price as possible.  My parents have a friend who is an agent, but we don’t want additional awkwardness.  If someone is going to rub us the wrong way, we would rather it be someone we have no personal connection to. 

I spent my Mother’s Day emotionally drained because the two of them called us past 11pm so they could both try to convince us to make an offer on the house.  They insisted our payment would be equal to our rent when we factor in the tax deduction.  I beg to differ.  I told them it wouldn’t make a difference until tax time and that we would only have deductions for half the year.  They suggested we change our withholdings, but that wasn’t going to produce anywhere near that amount either.

I’m told there really are some good realtors out there.  I hope we can find one.  I don’t know how much of this I can take.

 

Thoughts On Trayvon

The more I read about the death of Trayvon Martin, the more upset I feel.  It was such an avoidable tragedy and I feel like people are using his death to promote their political views.  It almost seems like some people want another riot, specifically the media.  I also feel like if you speak up about this as a public figure, you are also obligated to speak up when additional wrongs are added to the situation, like placing a bounty on Zimmerman’s head.  I think President Obama should condemn that behavior and am still hoping he will.

I grew up in the Seattle area and as a child, I didn’t know racism existed.  All I knew was that I loved our black neighbors across the street.  We had water fights, BBQ’s, and when they had one of their baby boys, I told his mom with no shame that I loved the feel of his hair.  It was different than mine.  I was maybe 8 years old and was overjoyed to meet him.  Moving away from our friends was one of the hardest things for me.  They still live on that street and I keep hoping that there will be an affordable house we can buy there someday.  How I would love for my kids to get to know them!

I didn’t know racism existed until a class in school.  I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and I wanted to cry.  Why would a human being treat another human being that way?  Years later as I was walking to school with a neighbor girl, another girl wanted to walk with us.  I didn’t know her very well, but my neighbor said, “Come on, let’s walk ahead of her.”  I had no idea why she said that, but it was mean.  I told her, “No, you can walk ahead by yourself.”  It didn’t occur to me then that maybe it was because she was black, but my mom thought her parents were racist and had taught her to behave that way.  Whatever her reason was, I never tolerated being cruel to anyone and I lost a lot of respect for the girl I had played with for years.

I don’t know what it’s like to be black.  One of my dearest friends tells me stories about how she never learned to swim because she wasn’t allowed in the pool when she was a kid.  I forget sometimes that it wasn’t that long ago in our history that African Americans were treated that way.  She has encountered racism more times than she can count and people have even said to her, “But Martin Luther King came and fixed all of that.”  She still runs into situations where it is obvious to her that a potential employer is racist.  I wondered how can you tell the difference between a person not liking your personality or perhaps not liking you for another bogus reason, but I take her word for it when she says she knows it when it happens.  She and her colleagues were repeatedly passed up for promotions when they had more seniority.

So I was thinking about what it was like to be Trayvon Martin and the things said about him.  How many times was he mistreated because of the color of his skin or stereotypes that young black males wearing certain clothing are thugs?  I think I would start to feel pretty angry and if I were approached on a dark, rainy night by some random guy, I would probably feel threatened.  If he did punch George Zimmerman and beat his head on the ground, maybe he felt like it was to defend himself?  Was he too scared to say, “Hey, sir.  I’m just visiting so and so.”?

According to reports, there had been a lot of burglaries in George Zimmerman’s neighborhood and the perpetrators were described as black.  Based on the full 911 call, Zimmerman was calling due to Trayvon’s behavior and it didn’t sound like he was moving from Point A to Point B.  I can understand finding the behavior suspicious, but it frustrates me to no end that he didn’t just call the police and let them do their job.  I also know the frustration of not catching criminals and the police only being able to do so much, but there is a reason they are cops and we aren’t!  They are recognized as authority figures.  A person on a neighborhood watch is not.  One doesn’t know the difference between a guy trying to protect his neighborhood and someone who wants to hurt you.  If that were to happen to me, I might wonder if the guy were going to rape me or something and I don’t think I would respond too kindly either.

I understand the anger that Zimmerman wasn’t arrested.  I think he caused the situation and should at the very least be charged with manslaughter, but I also know it can take a while to build a case before a person is arrested.  It angers me though that it was automatically assumed Zimmerman is racist.  I don’t know.  Maybe he is.  But I suspect what happened that night was a combination of fear and bad judgment.

Whatever happens, I’m afraid it’s going to cause another riot that results in innocent people being assaulted and murdered, but without question, once again it will be because of the color of their skin.  This of course is counterproductive when it comes to trying to improve race relations.

We are all brothers and sisters.  I wish everyone knew that.  I wish everyone could have their preconceived notions about others erased and we could all wake up one day feeling like innocent children again.

Dear Chase

Dear JPMorgan Chase:

Years ago I banked with Washington Mutual and I automatically became your customer when they went under.  Due to medical bills and the trials of the economy, we found it necessary to use our credit card to survive.  Our interest rate was about 9%.  We paid on time every single month and always more than the minimum.  Suddenly we got a letter from you saying our interest rate would be going up to 14%.  Wow, what a kind thing to do to all of your customers, I bet most of which were already suffering.  I called and asked why.  There was no reason.  I said I had been offered a balance transfer deal and if you couldn’t keep my interest rate where it was, I was going to take it.

Your representative said indifferently, “You gotta do what you gotta do.”

That was maybe three years ago.  My balance was about $10,000 and it took us this long to pay off our card.  I’m not very good at math, so how much do you think you lost in interest because I transferred my balance?  Probably a couple thousand.  I had a 0% introductory for a year and then about 9% after that.

Yesterday when I made a deposit at your bank, the teller said I was eligible for a credit card.  Of course I said no because I gotta do what I gotta do, right?

Really, the only reason I haven’t switched banks too is because I’ve had my account number pretty much my whole life and I don’t want the hassle, but keep in mind that I will do it if I receive that kind of treatment again.  Wells Fargo is begging me for my business.  Seriously, they won’t stop calling and bugging me and have even offered me $50 to switch.

As for credit cards, you will never see another penny from me.

Love,

MorningStar

Giving Your Wife An “Allowance”

I have met a surprising number of women who tell me their husbands give them an “allowance”.  This really rubs me the wrong way and ranks right up there with husbands “babysitting” their children.

To me an allowance is something you give your children as you teach them to be responsible with money, not something you give your wife.  To hear a woman say she can’t do x because her husband hasn’t given her her allowance yet gives the impression that she doesn’t have access to their account.  How is that an equal partnership?

I think it makes perfect sense that one spouse does the bills and balances the checkbook based on their strengths and weaknesses, but that shouldn’t mean that they have total control over the money.  In my marriage, I do the bills and keep track of how much we’re spending.  It’s easier than having separate accounts and my husband was more than happy to let me have the responsibility because he would accidentally reverse numbers.  At times he will spend more than he should and a friend asked why don’t I just give him cash and cut up his debit card.

Because he is not a child and I am not his mother!  If he were a compulsive spender and driving us into bankruptcy, then maybe that would be in order, but this is a matter of him not realizing how the little things add up quite quickly.  We are able to get on the same page and I don’t want to feel like a control freak.  We made an agreement to look over our budget together once a week so neither of us is in the dark.  If he oversleeps, I don’t wake him up either because once again, I am not his mother.  The same friend said I should be more bossy with him.  I didn’t get married so I could dominate someone.  I expect him to be responsible for himself and yes, I will leave for church whether he’s ready or not.  I did that last week and this morning he decided to get up on his own because he felt bad about it.  I have no interest in being a nag.

We have a discussion about it and our financial goals.  If we want to save x amount of money, then neither of us can eat out more than x amount of times per month.  I think each of us having a set amount of cash for fun is a great idea to help us budget, but I am against anything that creates a double standard and makes either one of us the child.

It really shocked me to hear a friend say, “I’ll have to pay you later because my husband hasn’t given me my allowance yet and I don’t have the checkbook.”  It could be she is very forgetful and doesn’t trust herself to keep track of what she’s spending, but please, don’t use the word “allowance”!

What Not To Say To A Pianist

Ah, it’s time for the yearly insults from people at church!  Our schools’ solo competitions are coming up and I’m getting these phone calls:

“Hi!  Will you play for me for the solo competition?  If I use the accompanist my teacher suggested, I have to pay $30 so I thought I would ask you.”

NO!

NO NO NO NO NO!!!!!!

I will play for your baptism for free.

I will accompany you at church for free.

I will play for all other church related activites for free.

But when you act like I owe it to you to play for free ON A SATURDAY and practice with you in my “spare” time, what you’re really saying is that I’m not a real accompanist.  You’re saying I’m not worth paying for.  You’re saying I have nothing better to do than wait until the day before to hear what time you are singing and squeeze in time to practice with you.

How about this?  “We are having a really hard time financially and I was wondering if you would play for me for my solo competition if I babysit your kids or bring you a meal?  What could I do for you?  You are a great pianist and I would love to have you play for me.”

These phone calls make me want to scream.  I wanted to say, “That guy charges $30 but I charge $50.  You should go with him.”

I can’t imagine telling a person in any field that I thought I would ask them to help because I would have to pay someone else.  I love you, my fellow Mormons, but don’t do this to people and learn when it’s appropriate to ask for freebies!  Do you have any idea what happens?  If I play for one person for free, the word spreads and then I have ten people wanting me to play for free!  If I say no, then I hear, “But you’re playing for so and so…..”

You know what?  Do some babysitting like I did.  I paid for my accompanists.  Girls around here can charge up to $7 an hour.  Five hours of babysitting will get you an accompanist.  If you don’t want to spend your money on it, then maybe you should evaluate how badly you want to be a singer.  This especially applies if your entire family just went to Disneyland, had your house remodeled, your parents went to Hawaii, you just bought a brand new car, and you and your siblings receive birthday gifts like trips to Universal Studios!  Do not tell me you can’t afford $30!

Chances are, I will rant about this every year.

Pregnant and Intoxicated

Yesterday I got a phone call from a friend asking me to come with her to visit a mutual friend who called her for help.  She was having a “breakdown”.  I told her I would have to figure something out and call her back because I was expecting company any minute and I wasn’t going to bring my three-year-old daughter to the scene.  I had heard a rumor that she had had trouble with drinking and hoped she wasn’t having a relapse.  I did know she had been overwhelmed with her list of responsibilities, so maybe that and her pregnancy hormones became too much.

I found someone to watch my daughter and left a message with my lunch dates telling them we might have to reschedule.  I then called my friend back, but she didn’t answer.  If she had found someone else to go with her, I didn’t want to show up too, causing her to feel like the whole neighborhood knew her business.  I decided it was better to stay home until I I got another phone call.

I later found out that she was drunk and had been drinking for days while her husband was away on business.  My friends were over for lunch and I started crying.  I know this isn’t the person she wants to be.  She is kind, cheerful, a great cook, volunteers for many things, has a beautiful home with great style, gives her kids every opportunity she can, and you can see how much they love her.  It’s heartbreaking knowing that not only was she drunk, her baby was too.  I don’t even want to think about what her small children were going through.  Logically, she knows it too and it’s so understand why she would choose to do that.  Addiction is terrifying to me.

It’s probably good that I didn’t have to witness that.  I have seen the worst that alcoholism can do in my own family and I’m not sure I could have held it together.  I never met my grandma because she took off.  I watched my grandpa die after drinking himself into a coma.  Years up until then, we couldn’t have a coherent conversation because his brain was so damaged.  I could tell he was a nice man.  My mom speaks fondly of her mom even though she abandoned her.

Maybe I was meant to tell this to my friend and I missed an opportunity.  I’m not supposed to let on that I know.  Or maybe I can continue to be her friend without her feeling awkward that I know about this.  I do want to be her friend and I’m glad she asked for help.  I hope that’s a good sign that she will eventually beat this.  If you talked to her, you would never guess she has this problem.  She seems like she has it all together.

Just another reminder that we all have problems few people see.

Backhanded Compliments

A friend has given me permission to back out of a craft night tonight for a small group of women because I feel unable to deal with one woman’s passive aggressive ways, but especially her backhanded compliments.  It’s a long story, but she’s mentally ill and you can’t call her on her rudeness without starting World War III.  Normally I just tell myself, “That’s just her.  Why should I be offended?” but sometimes it gets to me.

She told a friend, “I was driving down the street and thought this woman was you, but I thought she was too small to be you.  It was you!”  She can’t just say, “Hey, you look great!”

I sang while I was sick at an event and she said, “I wondered if you normally sang that flat, but then I heard you coughing and realized you weren’t feeling well.”  She has heard me sing many times and knows I usually do just fine.  She just couldn’t pass up the opportunity to make such a comment.  If I were to say the same to her, she would flip out.  

Oh, and the nosiness.  ”I noticed you have been looking really tired lately.  Are you pregnant?”

First of all, it’s none of your business.  If I were to tell someone, it would be because I wanted to and was ready to tell someone, not because I looked like crap and they noticed.

Second, thanks for telling me I look like crap.  No, I’m not pregnant.

So would I rather go on a date with my husband tonight or be stuck in a conversation I don’t want to have while biting my tongue?

I think I’ve made my decision.